its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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