I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
My cat gives me a boner
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
