I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
