"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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