I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Randomize
