I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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