I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
