3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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