why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
