i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
