i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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