i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
