R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
