somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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