It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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