There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
