Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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