i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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