Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
