Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
