god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
