a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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