I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
