Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
this will be a night to untag.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
