i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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