you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
