i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
