hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Randomize
