Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
