those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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