I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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