im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
