It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
there is glitter all over my balls
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