I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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