Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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