Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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