U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
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Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
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Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.