And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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