One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.