anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
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