I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
