i may or may not be watching the land before time
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
