I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
