She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
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