i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
