Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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