Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
