I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
