I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
