after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
