I just made out with a guy for $7.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
