just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
