Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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