Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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