just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
