everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
