If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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