She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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