How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
