well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I could make wine with my vomit
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm too high and old for this...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
